Getting Married, Sober

November 30th, 2020 will be 4 years since my last drink. Sobriety has been the best and hardest decision I made in my, almost, 38 years.

Choosing a sober life lifted the fog of alcohol clearing the path I was meant to take, and I was no longer lost. I no longer wake up hungover, dreading my day or trying to recollect what stupid things I did the night before, and wake up excited to see what the has in store for me. I no longer crave greasy fast-food and I nourish my body with (mostly 😊) clean, whole foods. I am active, I enjoy the work I do, and have gained confidence in myself I never had before.

I have also lost so-called friends, have felt left out at parties, have not been invited to parties, get weird looks when I tell someone I don’t drink, all because I choose to be sober. When I have tried my whole life to ‘fit in’, remaining sober is difficult because it is ‘not normal’ where I come from.

My insecurities rose this year. Thoughts about drinking again increased. All because I was getting married.

Growing up, going to a wedding meant lots of alcohol, dancing, and craziness. If you weren’t tipsy, you weren’t celebrating enough. At least that was my perspective back then, and I felt pulled between my past and my present. What used to be important and what is important.

So, it wasn’t the stress of planning the wedding that allowed me to ponder the thought of having a drink. It was worrying that our guests wouldn’t have a good time, that people wouldn’t come because it wouldn’t be fun, that I would feel left out at my own wedding – not because there wouldn’t be alcohol available, but because I wouldn’t be drinking (crazy, I know). “Maybe just one drink would help me loosen up and have good time? Maybe if I have a little buzz the rest of the guests will have more fun?,” were the thoughts invading my head all the way up to our Big Day.

I did choose sobriety over ‘fun’ – I guess a better word would be ‘craziness’. Were there times when I wanted a drink? Yes, but being present for this amazing day meant more to me than getting tipsy. Remembering all the details on a day that flies by was more important than waking up foggy and having to use pictures to remind me of what happened. Knowing my priorities and knowing what a slippery slope I would put myself on kept me sober. The life I have now, without my bar-friends and the occasional awkwardness, outweighs any excuse to pick up a drink.

Remaining sober on my wedding day was the best present I could give myself. I validated that all my insecurities about getting married sober were all in my head, and everyone had a wonderful time.